Note to self

Dear Future Self –

If (when), for whatever reason, your eating disorder starts whispering in your ear and you start thinking that losing just a little bit of weight sounds like a good idea, please please please take into consideration how much getting back on track from even a fairly minor slip really fucking sucks. Because you will get back on track. There is not another option. And when you do your anxiety is going to skyrocket till your brain feels like it is on fire. Every noise will sound like nails screeching down a chalk board inside your head. Every touch will feel like bugs crawling up and down you. You will be irritable and bitchy and alternate between wanting to scream and break things and wanting to hide under the bed and cry forever. You will pick fights with your boyfriend. You will want to self-harm. Your body dysmorphia will be so bad you feel like you are going completely insane.

If I could I would bottle this feeling for you so that when you are entertaining the eating disordered thoughts you could get a reminder of what this is like. But I can’t so please just take my word for it and tell your eating disorder to go fuck itself.

Sincerely,                                                                                                                                               Hannah

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3 thoughts on “Note to self

  1. Well, that tells it like it is – the hell raised by an ED. That in a bottle would be among the most dangerous substances on earth! I like “There is not another option” very much.

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